Saturday, August 25, 2007

Miscellanea - Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Program

I just wanted to put together a brief outline of some of the foods I eat and some of the foods I avoid. Anyone who has ever listened to a voice mail message knows that I tend to talk way to long, and I get the sense that the same thing happens when I write, so this is just a summary. It's the last chapter I've got planned (unless anyone wants to hear about exercise), after this feel free to hit me up with questions, delete me from your phone, change the locks or take whatever steps you deem necessary retaliation for putting you though this shit these past two weeks. I'll try not to get too jam-bandy with it. Drum roll….


What I eat:
Daily: One serving of oatmeal with a banana and a small mitt-full of walnuts.
Periodically: Egg-beater omelet with cheese and salsa

What I avoid:
Vitamin Shakes/Slim-Fast (aka Fat-fast)
Breadstuffs (toast, pancakes, other stuff that is awesome)
Eggs (the yeller stuff is bad fo ya ticker)


What I include
Spinach/Romaine Lettuce
Fresh Veggies/Fruits – cucumbers, celery, cantaloupe, onions
Tabasco sauce
Vinaigrette dressings
Always water instead of soda (even if it's diet)

What I include in small amounts

What I avoid:
'Accessories' – breadsticks, puddin', canned fruits
Croutons and bacon bits
Too much salad dressing

What I eat:
Simple chunk of meat, cooked to semi-perfection on the foreman, typically chicken or a hamburger patty
Toppers: reasonable amount of cheese and condiment (I love salsa baby!)
Salad or microwaved frozen veggies

What I avoid
Anything good

What I eat:
Cool Whip
Peanut Butter
Almond Butter
Unsulphured Papaya Spears (that means no-sugar added)

What I avoid:
Anything else, I don't have all month to talk about all the stuff I don't eat any more.

Cheating and Cheating Properly

What about eating out? Unfortunately, eating out is the best way to totally screw up a diet. Some of my favorite foods have been nearly completely removed from my life. Mexican food – out. Italian food – out. Greek food – out. Pizza, pasta, sandwiches – out, out out. Oftentimes, I end up at those places anyway and I typically try to find the dopest salad on the menu and tell them to hold the good stuff. Eating out is where my will power is tested to its fullest extent, which leads me into my next topic, cheating.

I cheat on my diet; it's cool to admit it. But now, I structure my cheating so that I can do it up right. Think about it this way; if you're at work and they cater in some food for lunch, what is it? It's usually some aluminum containers of pasta or Mexican food or a boxed sandwich lunch, where the best part is the dry cookie at the bottom. None of that food is good for you and if you eat it, you'll always say the same thing – I just ate some bad stuff and I feel guilty for it, it wasn't even that good. What I do now is pass on the work catered lunches and put it in my 'cheating bank', then I daydream about how I want to throw down some real cheating food. If you're going to do bad, then why not do it on your own terms, and why not do it up like Keith Richards in an Asian cigarette factory? I pick my favorite restaurant and when I eat there, it's a no holds barred situation. I get appetizers, main dish, drinks and top it off with the fattest dessert they have on the menu. I ate bad, but I knew I was going to do it, I had planned for it and because I passed up on the other shitty foods all week, I have less guilt about doing it.

I dream about cheating, I think about it all week. I plan for it like I'm planning out a bank robbery. For instance, right now, I'm going to dinner next week to my favorite restaurant in this city with my boss. I know its coming, so I'm working hard this week and eating right and passing on the bad stuff, and when I reach the top of the hill, there will be fat steaks and dancing ladies waiting for me and I'll do it up proper gangster style. The anticipation makes it so much sweeter.

The next day is the second most trying time for your will power and that's because you remember how amazing your dinner was and how easy it would be to hit up the donut shop where they still remember your name (or named a menu item after you). Cheating is fine but getting back on the diet warpath immediately is very important, otherwise, you'll get drunk on meat-lust and end up running through a South American street festival with soiled pants and bloody stumps for ears, and no one wants that.

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