Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Awesome Things That I Used To Eat: How To Secure Heart Disease And Obesity

Everyone thinks about their past in different ways, I’m no different. Not in the ‘got to change and get my zen back’ way, but in the ‘holy shit, I used to do what?!’ sort of way. The more and more I thought about the ways I used to punish my body, the more and more disgusted I’ve gotten. In keeping with my MO of providing people with fodder to make fun of me, I decided to write a brief story about what life was like for me back in college and my first couple years out of school.

During my second junior year of college (oh yeah, it was like that…), my roommate began doing web design for a local company. Anyone who went to college the proper way (ie, paid for it themselves) knows the amazing intricacies of the barter system. What did I have that could get me what I need? Namely, where did I work that could provide people with stuff. Cost me nothing; cost them nothing.

I worked third shift at a convenience store for a year on the corner of a major intersection in Hays, KS. The other three corners consisted of a Burger King, a Subway and a Pizza Hut. I got to know people that worked at all three and every night I would trade smokes for whoppers, pizza or subs. It was a great way to overcome my poor grocery situation on $6 an hour.

Roomie was (and still is) a web designer. The barter system that he introduced us to was one to be reckoned with. In exchange for designing a bass guitar website for a guy we knew, this guy gave us food. Not just any food. Cliff was the maintenance man for Arby’s. After the first rollout of his website, Cliff brought over, to my house, six boxes of frozen Arby’s food. SIX BOXES!

This turned my house into an immediate food-lust-carnival. On any given night (or day, or morning for that matter) there would be two to five of us dumping piles of food into the Fry Daddy.

Everything was cooked in the Fry Daddy, grilled chicken breasts, chicken fingers, French fries, mozzarella sticks, BBQ pork, roast beef my the fistful, even apple turnovers. We never used the oven or the microwave. When we changed the grease once every five weeks, it had to be chipped out of the bottom with a fork.

After a few weeks, the linoleum in my kitchen was scarred and sticky beyond repair. My face was oily and I had gained some serious weight, though I didn’t know it at the time (or choose to ignore it). We started getting creative, mostly with condiments. I had a set of seven small bowls that we would line up and dump various dipping items into. Ranch (plain), Ranch with Tabasco, ketchup, horseradish sauce, bbq sauce, sour cream (yeah, we tuned sour cream into a condiment), Italian dressing, salsa, it really didn’t matter.

This gravy train lasted nearly six months. Every time our freezer started to go low, Brant would update Cliff’s website & within days, the fridge would refill itself as if through some sort of magic. Six months of only shopping in the salad dressing isle at the grocery store. The damage done to my arteries is scary to fathom.

That was an example of ‘group debauchery’ but I feel like punishing and embarrassing myself publicly a bit more by detailing some of the things I used to eat on a regular basis.

Three El Monterrey Chimichangas buried in cheese, sour cream and salsa. Twice a day.

Three toasted peanut butter & jelly sandwiches with Doritos in the middle.

Three grilled cheese with four slices of cheese, dipped in Italian dressing.

One whole can of Bushes Baked Beans when I felt like eating ‘lite’ (straight out of the can like a hobo).

One whole package of Pillsbury cinnamon rolls, with extra butter, straight off the pan they were cooked on.

Two crème filled chocolate johns, two apple fritters and four ‘plain’ donuts from Daylight Donuts.

For three years my Saturday work-day lunch at Adronics was three double cheeseburgers & an extra large French fries from Burger King.

One loaf of bread, microwaved with butter and KC Masterpiece.

Two beef and bean burritos and a sack of churros from Taco Bell. This was lunch for six months straight and was actually the only part of our freshman year dorm meal plan that I could stomach.

Two boxes of Mac n’ Cheese with pepper & Tabasco sauce, slightly undercooked.

A 1 lb. triple cheese burger, extra large fries and a cookie from Fuddruckers.

Up to two whole Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food ice cream in a single night of work.

Two Hardees sourdough thickburgers & one Monster Thickburger & curly fries.

I once at a whole cheesecake during the first quarter of a football game (I think watching football is probably worse than the cheesecake).

A snack at work for a while was a pack of zingers, a king sized Butterfinger and a diet Pepsi (the beginning of my health-phase).

Is it any wonder that when I weighed myself in 2003, for the first time in about five years, I tipped the poor, poor, innocent scale at 315? I had to start thinking of my body as a credit card; anything you do to your body needs to be accounted for at some point.

I weighed in this morning after doing 7.5 miles on the Stairmaster at 195.


emawkc said...

Holy crap, man! That is impressive in more ways than one. Nice job.

Logtar said...

Great job man, I know it takes a lot of commitment and I applaud you on your effort.

H-Train said...

I got nauseated just reading that list.

Good job on your loss!

Well Hell Michelle said...

A whole cheesecake? Damn :)

Jay said...

Dude, Hays KS? Cool. Congrats on the loss! I'm from Hays, so you know...

Chris said...

I used to steal burritos from that very gas station at which you once worked. Interesting.

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